someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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