I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
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Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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