Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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