I bet he comes in French.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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