I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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