I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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