My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
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He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
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Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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