so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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