I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
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It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
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Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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