PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
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No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
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We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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