dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
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He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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