My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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