dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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