So drunk its hurt
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
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i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
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She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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