if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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