My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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