cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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