Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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