My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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