Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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