You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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