john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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