i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
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She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
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They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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