sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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