First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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