So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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