you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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