I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
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You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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