I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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