you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
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Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
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Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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