I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I love you. Go after that dick
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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