Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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