Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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