Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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