she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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