While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
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Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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