it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
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I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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