Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
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We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
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i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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