why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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