I haven't been this sober since birth.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
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Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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