I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
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We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
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I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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