Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
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It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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