apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
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I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize