Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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