You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
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he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
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