Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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