I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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