I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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