You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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