I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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